When Coke Attacks aka the coke fic
by The Coke Goddesses
Summary: This is a crazy and coked up (for the most part) attempt at humor, writing and humorous writing. Enjoy!


We Can't Come Up With A Decent Title, So Drink A Coke And Make Up Your Own.   
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
By Sammie and Nana, the psychotic goddesses   
  
$$$  
  
Sammie: Hi peoples! It's me again. Don't groan. That's mean. I'm here to make you laugh. That's a good thing. Yeah. A good thing. Come on people. Fine. I'll move on. But I'm still hurt.   
  
Okay, so Nana is writing a fic with me! And she's never written before. So I hope you guys like it. I bet it'll be good. Cause it's taken so long for her to start, I guess there have been many ideas flowing about in her head. (Nana: no, actually; I don't think anything is flowing about in my head. it's quite empty.)   
  
Nana: I get to write an A.N? Oh, goodie, my first A.N! I have always dreamed of writing one of these. Here we go:   
  
Well, this is Sammie's idea. I agreed to go along because I'm bored, but this is probably not going to be so good. This is my first time writing..... at all. Yeah. So if you feel the need to flame, flame me. Not that I would care, or bother to read the flames, but I'm the one with the connections in the underworld *evil grin* and I'VE GOT FRIENDS THAT'LL MAKE YOU PAY!!!! So you better like it.   
  
$$$   
  
Disclaimer: Since we are goddesses, we own everything. The world belongs to us. But we don't own things like most people do, so even though we own the people, we don't "own" them. Did that make any sense what so ever?   
  
No? OK, let's try something else.   
  
Look at us. We're broke. We're bored. We're writing fanfiction, for God's sake. Does it LOOK like we own them....? This was written strictly for our twisted idea of fun.   
  
$$$   
  
Today is a very average day for Cook County General Hosptial. Slightly hectic, as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except for one thing. That will change the lives of many. Forever! Mwahahahaha!   
  
Nana: Um, Sam, so what was that?   
  
Sam: Well, I'm bored and my mind is overactive.   
  
Nana: It's always overactive.   
  
Sam: NO! Only when I've had coke.   
  
Nana: When do you not have coke?   
  
Sam: Good point. I need a coke. *She goes and gets a coke, returns, opens the coke, takes a big swig and sits down to resume her psychic session.*   
  
Sam: Now, I'll continue reading the future of Cook County General Hospital. *She rubs her hands over the crystal ball and loooks very deeply into it.* Oh No. No no no no no!   
  
Nana: What?   
  
Sam: There's a serious case of poisoning!   
  
Nana: So? Is that so bad?   
  
Sam: Noooo, but they're poisoned by... COKE!!! *Sobs like a giant idiot.*   
  
Nana: Coke? COKE? Who would dare to do something so... vile? It's horrible.   
  
Sam: We need to save the coke!   
  
Nana: But how?   
  
Sam: I... don't know. But we should at least go to The hospital. Maybe somebody there will know more.   
  
The two coke goddesses leave the room quite quickly, to start their quest in saving the world's coke, and not let anyone have to resort to the unthinkable. Pepsi. ::Shudders:: In their haste, the duo don't notice pigeon, hiding in the shadows, who heard the whole conversation.   
  
meanwhile in County:   
  
The ER is packed with the usual patients. Nurses are running in the corridors, Doctors are boffing patients' mothers in the storage closet and patients are jumping out of the windows. Romano is nowhere to be seen.   
  
Susan and Chuni walk out of curtain 1.   
  
Susan: .... give her 5 of haldol and call psych. She's seeing pigeons again.   
  
Chuni: Got it. Hey, isn't it a little quiet today? *looks around suspiciously* Too quiet.....?   
  
Susan: Yeah, I think it's because Romano's gone.   
  
Chuni, dropping off a chart to Susan: Yeah where is Romano, anyway? Haven't seen him in a while now!   
  
Susan: I think he went to buy himself a new pirate set to go with that hook. An eyepatch and a parrot, which will yell insults at all the county employees.   
  
Chuni: Ah.   
  
Susan: Yeah.   
  
Susan and Chuny pass Frank at the desk, and go their seperate ways.   
  
::snap to Frank, sitting at the desk, eating his donut::   
  
Frank: Hey you, I thought I told you not to come here unless you get some normal clo...   
  
Frank stops in his tracks in the middle of the sentence. The world starts to whirl around him. The lights dim, and the faint odour of the chocolate donut clutched in his hand makes him dizzy. He sits down heavily on the chair.   
  
And then it hits him.   
  
He knows.   
  
::cut to Susan, sitting in the lounge, charting::   
  
Susan (talking to herself): Oooo-kaaaaay. Who's next.....? Ah. Mr. Abdul Tellasi Egandi Rahim Rachnam Omar Rafieh Ismail Salim Taharri. Hmm. Funny. His name spelled backwards makes a sentence. I just can't figure out what language it's in. So Mr. TERRORIST is a diagnosed paranoid scyzophrenic? That explains why he claims that the end of the world is near. Nonsense. Poisoned coke. heh.   
  
Suddenly, a deep voice is heard. It's only heard by Susan, of course.   
  
Voice: Susan......Hey Susan....... *Susan ignores it and keeps talking to herself* Hmmm.... Susan!!!.... SUSAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Susan: What.....? What......... oh, it's you. You scared me. What's up?   
  
Voice: Susan......close your eyes......put that damn pen down and listen to me.......I have an important task for you......   
  
Susan: Uh- I already made Abby start drinking again.....   
  
Voice: No. It's not that. it's....   
  
Susan: Oh, that house you wanted me to burn? I'm gonna do it. I swear I am.   
  
Voice: WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME SPEAK? Here's what you have to do. It's a matter of life and death for so many Americans. Listen closely. This message will self-destruct in 5 minutes.   
  
Here's your assignment...   
  
$$$   
  
Pigeon is in awe of what he heard.   
  
Pigeon: Poisoned coke? That's... just not right. Although I know I'm gonna hate myself for this later, I have to help. Coke means more to me than avoiding a few cans being thrown at my head.   
  
So pigeon flies over to join all those who.. know.   
  
$$$   
  
Susan stumbles out of the lounge, trembling. Everyone looks at her like she's crazy, but she's used to it, so she doesn't notice. The only thing she's feeling is shock. And disgust.   
  
Susan (rambling to herself as usual): Coke. Coke, poisoned? Poisoned? coke?! COKE?! no, not coke?! not poisoned? oh no.........   
  
Lydia: Hey Susan, the facial lac in 4 wanted.....   
  
Susan: NOT NOW!!! can't you see I'm shocked and disgusted?!   
  
Lydia looks at Susan perplexed and walks away, muttering something that sounds like " Hmmph. I really can't tell the difference. "   
  
Susan continues to walk towards the admin desk, incredulously saying "Coke. Poisoned. poisoned.......? coke.............. "   
  
Suddenly she realizes she's lying on the floor, after bumping into Frank. Frank seems to take no notice of that. He's staring into thin air and mumbling "they......they....... they....they did it....I know they did it......I know! I know.....Goodness gracious great balls of fire........"   
  
Then they both fall silent. They stare into each other's eyes.   
  
They both know.   
  
And they each know that the other knows too.   
  
Frank holds out his hand to Susan: They....?   
  
Susan takes his hand and stands up, nodding: Poisoned coke.   
  
Frank: coffee?   
  
Susan, still nodding: and donuts.   
  
They walk out of County, hand in hand, and head over to Doc Magoo's. Nobody notices them as they walk out, two of the few people who know about the most horrible scheme known to mankind.   
  
$$$   
  
Nana and Sam finally arrive at County General. After getting lost 5 or six times.   
  
Nana: How long was this trip?   
  
Sam: Long. Why didn't we just take a plane?   
  
Nana: Blimps are cooler.   
  
Sam: I know, but I mean, I'm psychic. I should have known that we'd get blown off course.   
  
Nana: You were focused on saving the coke.   
  
Sam: Right, right. We should get started. Find out who knows.   
  
So the two go in.   
  
$$$   
  
As they walk through the doors they are greeted by a huge walking donut.   
  
Donut: Hey.   
  
Sam and Nana stare.   
  
Donut: Umm you're blocking my path.   
  
Sam and Nana move. The donut passes and disappears. They continue to stare.   
  
Nana: Was that...   
  
Sam: Don't ask. We have to concentrate on the coke, the coke is our mission. The evil donuts can destroy the world when we're done.   
  
Nana: Yeah, I know, but I was wondering if it was double chocolate or not.   
  
Sam: ummmm, I don't know. We can check, when we're done saving the world's supply of coke, ok?   
  
Nana: ok.   
  
Sam: Cool. Good. So can we go in now?   
  
Nana: ehhh.........can we just go over to Doc Magoo's and grab a bite there?   
  
Sam: NANA!   
  
Nana: Just for a few moments, I think there's.....   
  
Sam: I don't think you're appreciating the seriousness of the situation! Coke's in grave danger, and all you can think about is food? What's the matter with you?!   
  
Nana: So we're not going to Doc Magoo's?   
  
Sam: NO. We're going to walk into the ER, and look for people to help us in our fight.   
  
Nana: Too bad. Cause I saw Frank and Susan there when we were flying over the diner, and they were both looking shocked. I figured they might know something, what with Frank being a cop and Susan being a nutcase...   
  
Sam: Ahhh. SO WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?! Let's go!!!!!   
  
The two start running in the direction of Doc Magoo's, where Frank and Susan are drinking coffee and eating donuts.   
  
$$$   
  
Pigeon: I need to get to County!   
  
Lady at the desk: I'm sorry, sir, but we can't sell plane tickets to pigeons.   
  
Pigeon: Who says?!   
  
Lady: Actually, the manager. He gave us this list of rules a few days ago. See number 294.   
  
The lady shows him the list and points to number 294.   
  
Pigeon reads it aloud.   
  
Pigeon: You are not authorized to sell plane tickets to: terrorists, people who look like they could be terrorists, descendants of any of the staff of this company, anyone who's ever had a speeding ticket, anyone who doesn't have a driving license...   
  
He keeps going for a bit.   
  
Lady: Oh, here. Flip to the 36th page.   
  
Pigeon: Right. ::Flips the pages:: And finally, you are not authorized to sell plane tickets to any birds. Especially pigeons. Because I just saw the movie Birds. Hmmmm. Okay, so do you sell any plane tickets?   
  
Lady: Actually, when you think about it, no.   
  
Pigeon: Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?!   
  
Lady: Umm.   
  
Pigeon: Oh, I don't care.   
  
Pigeon flies off and starts contemplating other means to get to Chicago.   
  
Pigeon: Damn. I guess I have to fly there. Wish I hadn't eaten so many donuts. Hmph.   
  
So pigeon starts his cross-wherever he is trek to County General and help the goddesses.   
  
$$$   
  
Frank and Susan are shaking in their seats, slowly drinking the coffee, trying to come up with a way to save the world. It wasn't going so well.   
  
Susan: Do you realize that coffee is our only source of *deep breath* CAFFEINE!!!   
  
Frank: Well, actually there's...   
  
Susan: Stop. Let me rephrase that. Do you realize that coffee is OUR only edible source of CAFFEINE!!   
  
Frank: True. We have to think up something, Susan. We can't let them get away with this!   
  
$$$   
  
At the same moment, the doors burst open and two hyper-looking goddesses walk in. Everyone in Doc Magoo's fall silent and look at them. Everyone except Susan and Frank, who are busy discussing ways of saving the world.   
  
Nana: Do you see them? Sam? Where are they?   
  
Sam, looking around the room: Yeah, 5 o'clock. North corner.   
  
Nana: what?! speak English, I'm blonde!   
  
Sam: Jesus, Nana. Over there- *points to the dirction where their table is located*   
  
Nana: Ah! let's go then!   
  
Sam: Wait. Everyone is watching us! We can't approach them while everyone's watching!   
  
Nana: Why not?   
  
Sam (very slowly and patiently): Becaaaause, we don't know who's involved in this. We must not attract attention, or they'll be onto us! God, haven't you ever watched detective movies?!   
  
Nana, ashamed: No. But you don't need to YELL. I heard you from the first time. Why are you so edgy?! this isn't like you! What's gotten into you? *starts sobbing*   
  
Sam: Oh, Nana, don't cry! *to herself: great. just what I need now...* I'm sorry, I just need my coke. You know......   
  
Nana: Oh poor thing! you're going through withdrawal...!   
  
They hug in a hearbreaking scene.   
  
Everyone: awwwww...............   
  
Nana breaks up the hug, takes out an uzi and sprays the place with bullets.   
  
Sam: Nana! put that gun down!!!! what are you doing?! are you out of your mind?!   
  
Nana: Sorry. They were getting on my nerves. You said we needed secrecy, didn't you?   
  
Sam: Ugh, but I didn't mean KILL everyone! OK. deep breath. Nana. Let's just go ask Frank and Susan if they know anything *under her breath- before you kill someone else...*   
  
They approach Frank and Susan's table. Frank and Susan are still talking, oblivious of the shooting around them.   
  
$$$   
  
Sam: Umm hi...   
  
Nana: I don't think they hear you. Want me to shoot?   
  
Sam: God, no. Just, ummm, here- *she takes Susan's donut and hides it under the table* that should get her attention.   
  
Susan: HEY! Where's my donut?!   
  
Sam: *coughs* Here.   
  
Susan: Oh. Hi Sammie! What are you doing here? And who's this blonde girl with an uzi?   
  
Nana, hold out her hand: How ya doin'....? I'm Nana.   
  
Susan: "Friends" fan! How nice! Did you see the episode where Monica and Joey....   
  
Sam: *coughing a little louder* OK. 'nough with the small talk. This isn't going anywhere. Susan, Frank, we're here becuase we know something that will change our lives forever. And we think you know it too.   
  
Frank: How do you know?   
  
Sam: I'm psychic.   
  
Nana: I'm a goddess.   
  
Sam: I told her.   
  
Susan: But how do you know what we know? Or if the thing we know is the thing you know?   
  
Sam and Nana: We're writing the fic!!!!   
  
Sam: Now. Allow me to summarize this. *takes out a little blackboard and a chalk and starts drawing*   
  
Someone, let's call him or her mr. White, poisoned Coke.   
  
*she draws a little coke, and then an X over it*   
  
So when some innocent victim drinks that coke.....   
  
*she draws something that looks like a stick with a circle on top*   
  
He dies.   
  
*she draws little wings and a little halo*   
  
So. Any ideas?   
  
Susan: Yeah. We can warn everyone not to drink coke and then nobody'll die.   
  
Nana: ah, but you're overlooking the point. We don't care about everyone. We just want to be able to drink coke!   
  
Sam: Yeah. And besides, if we warn everyone and they stop drinking coke,   
  
*she draws the same stick and circle*   
  
They will have to drink....   
  
*she draws a bottle*   
  
PEPSI.   
  
*she takes a red chalk and a green chalk, paints the bottle red and the "person"- green.*   
  
And then the world will end.   
  
So you see, no good.   
  
Frank: I have friends in the police. They can look for any criminals with a record of coke poisoning.   
  
Susan chuckles: Oh come on Frank. You don't have any friends in the force. I checked! You were arrested for prostitution, stole a badge and pretended to be a cop!!!   
  
Frank: SO? I still have friends.   
  
Sam: Nah, I don't think that the local police department can deal with something that big. We must go higher in the chain of command.   
  
Nana: I have an idea. I used to work with the Israeli Mossad and the Israeli department of military intelligence. Maybe I should give them a call, find out if they know anything.   
  
Susan: Nana? You? I wouldn't have guessed.   
  
Franks finally looks around the room, noticing the dead bodies: Hey! who shot everyone?   
  
Nana and Sam shrug.   
  
Sam: Yeah, go ahead, give it a try.   
  
Nana takes out her cell phone, turns her back to her psychic friend and the nutty County duo, dials a number and starts talking Hebrew.   
  
When she turns back and looks at her friends, her face is completely drained of color.   
  
$$$   
  
Walking through the doors of County General, George doesn't realize he's in for a long wait. He isn't urgent and they can afford to make him wait. A loooong time.   
  
George: ::Walks over to Randi:: Excuse me! I think I broke my finger!   
  
Randi: ::Takes the lollipop out of her mouth:: Sorry, sir. You'll have to wait. You can go to triage, though.   
  
George: It hurts!   
  
Randi: You should have taken a tylenol.   
  
George: Hmph. Fine.   
  
So George trudges over to triage, seeking some sort of attention. Which he doesn't find.   
  
George: I think I broke my finger.   
  
Nobody answers.   
  
George: I think I broke my finger!!   
  
Did anyone hear him? Of course not.   
  
George: I think I broke MY FINGER!!!   
  
Hobo with some medical problem: *pulls out a screwdriver* Screw you man! *He twists the screwdriver into George's arm.* Wait your turn!   
  
George: Hmmph.   
  
George is mad. Who wouldn't be? So he tries to find a way to take his mind off the pain.   
  
George: Mmm. Coke. That'll work.  
  
$$$  
  
Well, folks, this is it. the first chapter. It took us forever to write it.... So let us know how you liked it. Good, bad.....no, actually don't tell us it's bad. We won't believe you.... But drop a review by pressing the review button or send us an email!  
  
~The Coke Goddesses~ 


End file.
